I don’t know what it is all about, but all of a sudden, my friends are buying sheep. They find stray goats, are raising chickens, and send their loved ones roses. I, occasionally, get the odd picture of what their more rural life is comprised of, the odd picture of their farms, and all of the latest happenings as they lose their goats, find lost black sheep, and harvest their crops, all in the span of a few hours. And, being a girl who was raised on a farm, with memories of bailing hay and sheering sheep, I get quite confused. For, Facebook’s “Farm” game application captivates its farmers, ironically, to stay inside. And, while social networking is unquestionably powerful, and I am a part of it’s web, I am constantly reminded of my, our, need to be conscious, in it.

The Art of Connection

Don’t get me wrong; I am a big advocate for technology. In fact, any and all of my loved ones reading this will giggle and attest that I am zealous in my passion for it. Nevertheless, I am also noticing that as technology increases, connections that are usually developed by sitting in another’s energy, by witnessing their feelings, by being present, seem to be dwindling. We send emails, texts, and messages via social networking applications. Nevertheless, we may never talk. We may communicate, but never speak to or see each other. Then, as a result, the lone “farmer” never gets out to meet with those who are real, outside of that made up world, found in the reflection of his or her computer screen.

I mention Facebook because, in the last year or so, it seems to have reach it’s tipping point. It is a rarity for my clients not to reference its impact on their lives. It’s rare for my friends to not mention it and admittedly, even for me. It is, truly, a brilliant medium. And, whether it be the old connections that are rekindled, or even the fears and anxieties that can resurface as a result, the power and impact of social networking on our lives, even our businesses, is irrefutable.

And, you are likely to be hearing similar stories all of the time. Old high-school friends who, still, remember why their friendships didn’t continue. At the same time, beautiful stories of people finding each other after years of wondering what had happened, and making up for lost time. Just as in anything, social networking has its blessings and its curses.

I was recently struck by an example of social networking’s power while walking down Mill Avenue. Overhearing a college student discussing her anxiety about being dropped by her friend, I then realized that her friendship had been broken off online. She was no longer allowed to be a “friend” to this person, via Facebook. Similarly, a man learning that his romantic relationship was over because, suddenly, his girlfriend’s status reflected that she was “single.” In both instances, technology had been the medium by which they had learned that their relationships were over. No phone call. No in person discussion. Technology.

Facing Our Friends

Don’t get me wrong, social networking has its place and is here to stay. Nevertheless, I believe that it is imperative that as we continue to go online, that we must also be conscious to call, see, and experience the energy of those people we are connecting with. In other words, while we can be “friends” online, we must also remember how to “do friendship” outside of the online community as well. And, as a result, we can allow our relationships to evolve because of social networking, to expand our connections, but not replace them. In other words, getting out into the world, meeting, and enjoying the presence of those we are truly friends with.

Granted, as any social psychologist will tell you, the power of proximity on the maintenance of friendships is undeniable. And, social networking allows me to connect with friends all over the world, many of whom I would be otherwise challenged to maintain such contact with. But, if we are sitting at home, in front of a computer, wanting to reach out into our communities, to share our feelings, connect with people, it often means calling, seeing, and being mentally conscious in our friendships.

I get it. I do it. Texting is easy. Email is easy. Nevertheless, in my counseling practice I am constantly struck by how these two forms of communication often replace a one-on-one dialogue. For example, my clients often tell me that they “had a fight” with their husbands, girlfriends, and friends. As they relay the conversations back to me, I then realize that it was via text or email. There was not opportunity to witness the body-language, feel the atmosphere, or look into the other person’s eyes and witness the loved one’s inner experience. What I call a “flat” communication ensues, one that email and texting easily misinterprets or confuses, thus creating more conflict. The ease of technology also allows us to perpetuate a “distance” in our relationships. Rather than working on why it feels safer to communicate via that medium, the individuals may depend on it to maintain the dynamics of the relationship. Instead of changing them and increasing the intimacy, those emotionally challenging dialogues continue via a medium that can challenge emotional intimacy.

All this being said, dive into the online community and social networking. Heck, explore it and learn about its many wonders. It truly is fascinating. Nevertheless, I ask that we all continue to be conscious in our relationships. Don’t have those tough conversations via technology; learn how to communicate one-on-one. Call up some of those friends on Facebook, and, ironically, meet them face-to-face. For, if we text or email our friends, maybe we can remember how to call them back, talk, and be conscious of our true need to make connections, socially.

I’m sitting in the woods as I write this article, camping on the Mogollon Rim. I am peaceful. For, as I sit around the campfire, listening to the voices of those around me, mine does not seek to be heard. It doesn’t need to and there is peace to be found in my meditative silence. But, I also know that if I wanted to, I could. I also know that my loved ones that surround me this evening would hear me. But, as this awareness comes to me, it also reminds me that for many, having a voice, or deeming whether it feels okay to speak or not, brings anxiety and trepidation. And, it is with this thought, that this article’s voice was heard.

Our voices, I find, are things that we often take for granted. While we may assume that it will always be there, or be readily available to make itself known, that is not always the case. In fact, the idea of having a voice, for many, creates greater anxiety then the idea of not using it. Often, a history of being unable to find, use, or express the voice, is commonplace, especially for the women and men I work with who have histories of trauma. And, maybe you are a little like them, perhaps your voice has been hidden from view, silenced, or unavailable when you needed it the most.

Of course, you already know the physicality of using your voice. You know that it is a way communicating to the world, a way of expressing yourself. Yet, we often forget that our voice is, literally, the vehicle for sharing our innermost selves, our intentions, our fears, our needs, our past, present, and future with the outside world. Furthermore, as we express ourselves to the outside world, we hear our words. Thus, we are given the opportunity to hear our innermost thoughts, which is often the most challenging, yet freeing result as they echo back to us through others’ reactions, responses, and their voices.

Yet, for many who are recovering from anxiety, depression, trauma, or addictions, inevitably, the voice struggles to be heard, or if it does present itself, it does so indirectly, surreptitiously, or through repetitious symptoms and patterns of behavior. Your voice may want to express itself, but not know how. It may be blocked. It may not know that it can. It may not know its true value. And when my clients reach the point, as they often do, that their voices want to be heard, we begin discussing what I call “finding your voice in three stages”

Stage One: Finding The “Right” To Speak

When we start to express “out loud” rather than “internalizing” or “stuffing” whatever needs to be said, we release what has restricted our voices. Nevertheless, not expressing what we want to say is the result and leads to thoughts about whether we have the right to use our voices in the first place. Regardless of what we want to say, even if we have the ability to use it, the expression of the voice requires, first of all, a belief that we have the right to speak our truths.

When we are in the first stage of finding the voice it sounds like “can I say “this” out loud? It is okay for me to “think this?” These two questions, or variations thereof, are my first clues that the voice is in the beginning stages of making itself known to my clients. Once we release the restrictions that have held the voice back, closed it off, or blocked it, the second stage involves shifting our energy towards expressing what wants to be said.

Stage Two: About Being Heard

As it may have been in the past, in the present we may or may not be heard. With this in mind, when we know that we have the right to speak, we shift into making a decision about whether we want to actually speak. And, while making this decision, it is imperative that we do so without an expectation of the outcome. If we make a decision to say our truths, and let them be expressed, we must be aware that those hearing it have free will in how they do or do not respond. Therefore, I make sure to educate clients regarding this aspect of using our voices otherwise, we risk expressing ourselves with the expectation or hope that we will achieve a specific result. The reality is that many who have not used their voices do so because they have not been heard in the past. As a result, their voices were restricted. To use our voices, to convey our truths is to do so because we desire the freedom that can come from communicating it, not because we are expecting a specific reaction from others.

Stage Three: Using The Voice

Whether or not we are comfortable saying what wants to be said, when we have discovered our “right to speak,” and considered whether we will be heard, the momentum inevitably shifts to the third stage of finding our voices, perhaps using it. And, because the voice may be stifled, blocked, or closed off, there may be a pattern of never using it. Therefore, we must learn how to use it, skillfully, consciously, and with intention. All the while, actively considering what serves our highest interest, and that of those who would hear it. Thus, we may choose to actually use it. We may even decide that expressing it to ourselves, is enough. Either way, we have done so consciously and while fully present.

When we explore our voices, the three stages, inevitably show up. While they may not appear in order, the reality is that each one is an important part of our healing process. For, as we determine our innermost truths, the choice about what to do with our discoveries asks us to hear ourselves, just as we might ask the same of others.

I found myself committing to the PF Changs 1/2 Marathon recently. I swear, I don’t know how it happened. All of a sudden, the words that “Yes, I’ll sign up” flew out of my mouth. My ego, immediately full of fear, grasped to reel the words back in. But, all of a sudden, I’m in it and focused on a goal I never through I would try. And, while doubt may show up about whether I can do it, I realize that our minds often question the goals we set, as if to defeat them, or question them.

I am convinced that half the time, we set and meet goals without a positive intention of WHY we created them in the first place. As a result, we can chose goals that really aren’t in our best interest or are based on what I call “DEFICIT THINKING” We pick goals that are based on making up for a perceived deficit within our lives or inner most selves. A deficit based goal sounds like “I have to workout because I don’t like how I look and feel.” Listen to how differently this sounds “I want to workout because I can see myself crossing the finish line.” One is deficit based, while one is positive and future focused. One is based on a perceived lack, while the other is based on self-acceptance.

Instead, when we focus our attention on an affirmative goal, our minds eye, literally, sees the goal being accomplished and gives us a felt sense of completing it, even before we even do. We can step into an image of what it would be like to reach our goals. We can see our lives through a lens of accomplishment, rather than in comparison to a mental image of what we don’t want. In other words, our emotional, physical, and spiritual bodies will respond more positively.

1. Identify what short and long term goals you have created

2. Are your goals specific and based on what you will be “doing,” “experiencing,” and “feeling” when you reach them?

3. Are any of your goals based on DEFICIT THINKING instead of AFFIRMATIVE THINKING i.e. are you focusing on what you don’t want, instead of what you do want?

4. Have you written down or shared your goals with anyone? Are there other people who you can share your goal with to get extra support?

5. Is your goal realistic?

6. Do you have the tools, right now, to help you reach your goal?

7. Do you need to set smaller goals and meet them, in order to get closer to your long-term goal?

7. Do you know why you have this goal in the first place? If not, write down the benefits of reaching it.

I’m challenged to write today. In fact, writing has been testing me a lot of late. Words keep coming up, wanting my attention, asking to be embraced in sentences amongst other words. Yet, the challenge remains of what to write about. Some call it writer’s block, some even venture into the world of myth and legend, speaking of their wanting to wait for the “muse” to arrive, for inspiration to peak its head from behind the ego’s curtain of illusion, the illusion that tells the writer that it must be “just right,” for its message to capture the spirit and heart of its reader.

Nevertheless, when we writers chose to write about not being able to write, inevitably, something does show up. And, when I show up, rather than waiting for something to happen outside of me, the words arrive to support me. When I am committed, sit down, and do the hardest work, they will show up for me. What strikes me about this experience is that we all can relate to it.

Waiting For Something To Happen

We often want something to “show up” but, ironically, if we wait for whatever it is to show up, or “something to happen,” we can actually find that we have missed the opportunity. We, in fact, missed what could have shown up for us because we did not make it happen. In fact, we forgot to “show up” for ourselves, for what we needed to stand up for in the first place. Our true selves, the part of us that knows what is best for us, what some call the higher self, asks that of us. The catch is that sometimes we just ignore ourselves. We “wait for something to happen,” and the rewards that come from us showing up, just pass us by.

Commitment. Showing up. Being there.

However life asks us to “show up” the hardest part is usually getting there to do the work. For me, the challenges to “showing up” usually come in the form of my ego telling me stories to distract me from what I have said I am committed to. So, while lassoing my mind on the yoga mat can be challenging the, “getting there” to do it is the greatest challenge. My ego and alarm clock are on two opposing teams, each vying for what the other thinks is right for me. My ego bribing the snooze button for a little more rest, “yoga can wait.” While my alarm clock struggles with the responsibility of knowing that “yesterday, she told me that she was committed.” Showing up is the hardest part of my practice. And getting there, showing up, is often the toughest part of recovery.

The battle between our commitments and our ego’s desires, the battle between our agreements and the comfort of “not showing up,” is ever apparent in recovery. Whatever we are recovery from, we can all relate to the experience of “knowing” that something was good for us, healthier, the path to follow, yet something within us tells us otherwise. As if to distract us from our true-selves, to keep us hostage within ourselves, the ego can easily distract us from the path we are committed to. It may tell us that the easier road, the one that that requires less action, is comfortable, safer, and available right now. Whereas, the path that we say we are committed to, the one that requires right action, that asks us to walk it each day, may take time. It isn’t easy. It isn’t a speedy process. Our commitments will be challenged with setbacks, missteps, and lapses in judgment. Furthermore, it is unrealistic and based in fantasy, to assume that those challenging moments will not be there. And in ignoring the challenges, we are falling prey to the assumption that recovery is going to be relatively straightforward.

Yes, your meeting is going to be hard to get to. Yes, it will probably conflict with something else that is important to you. At times, your recovery will be an inconvenience, as a desire to keep things as they are. In fact, we can pretty much guarantee that whatever it is that we are in recovery from, life will ask us to demonstrate our level of commitment. It will tempt us with opportunities to avoid showing up, to avoid doing what is hard, to avoid getting there; something will always “be in the way.”

Life will tempt me with avoiding what could show up on my yoga mat. It will tempt my trauma survivors to avoid today’s therapy because it’s so painful. It will give a seemingly valid reason for being unable to a meeting. The reality is that life always asks us to show up, especially in moments when recovery feels harder than doing what we always did. Our commitments, those things that we said we would show up for, are supposed to challenge us this way. For, it is only when we push through these critical deciding moments that we arrive. It is only when we look back and see the steps we took, the challenges we faced, that we realize how, where, and when we showed up. And all of a sudden, what we were committed to has shown up for us.

I find of late that there are numerous posts showing in the “back” of my blog. Ads. Sales. Spamming. Things that just “show up” announced. Course, I am redoing my website lately, so it is probably to be expected. Hence, the delay in writing, as the blog will reflect the changes soon!

But, I just chuckle at the idea of how much “spam” we accept in our minds. Forget email. Forget blog posts. What about those thoughts and ideas that spam us moment to moment. For example, in reading one of my favorite Stephen Cope books, the idea of there being 60,000 thoughts every day just boggles me! Are we willing to filter out those thoughts that “spam us.” Perhaps if we actually allowed ourselves to sit still, quietly, watching our breath, we could help ourselves by prevent our egos from spamming us so much! Just a little food for thought…

I recently began thinking about how often we ask for something. We may even ask for, pray for, hope for, or even wish upon something outside of ourselves, to help us “get” it. Yet, ironically, when we actually “get” what we want, is it always in our best interest? When what we ask for doesn’t arrive, perhaps, that is what’s in our highest interest? Perhaps “not getting” what we ask for, is the best thing for us.

Similarly, I often stories from those who have idealized, romanticized, or wished upon something, to then be disappointed when it arrived. Ironically, it is not that the desired outcome was actually a true disappointment. Its just that that didn’t “match” the original fantasy or idealized image of it. Whether it was that the relationship didn’t “look like I thought it would be,” or that experience “wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be,” it all comes down to expectations.

The bottom line is that our expectations often do not meet reality willingly. And, when we are focused on the struggle of not getting what we “want,” or what it “should look like,” we forget that not getting it, may really be in our best interest. In the big picture, perhaps it opens up wider possibilities than we originally asked for. And for that to happen, we must be willing to allow things just to unfold.

The theme of our “attachments” to things, people, experiences, and not being able to “let them go” has been coming up with many of clients lately. Yet, it seems that it is our attachment to having that experience, that relationship, that purchase “we just can’t live without” that causes pain. We are constantly seeking something. Then, as if in a karmic house of cards tumbling down, someone or something else becomes that next thing we want. It is never-ending, for the something just changes form, all to maintain the idea that we are not enough, in and of ourselves, without it, whatever it is.

But we can live without it, for our relationship with what we seek will have to change for us to reduce our pain. It is, ironically, when we release the want for something that we remember how to live, and enjoy knowing that we already are enough. By not hoarding and accumulating that which, truly, does not serve our highest good and that which is our true nature, we obtain freedom.

Furthermore, even our attachment to things “staying as they are” causes us great pain, for it is in the attachment, the desire, the focus on that which we seek to possess, that creates the struggle. Our true self is not found in that item, relationship, next experience, substance, they are, instead, found inside ourselves, now.

I wrote a “choose your own adventure” essay as part of my undergraduate college applications. The reader could chose one of two endings, the first being that I got accepted into college, the latter being that I did not, and held an unfulfilling job, one that did not enable me to express my creativity and wanting of “making a difference” and being a counselor. I loved the essay.

They didn’t like it, and I didn’t get in.

So, at the time, I created a “story” of why I didn’t. It was based on the illusion that it was due to some internal personal fault. In reality, I finally came to realize that not getting into to my first top college choice was just an event. But, for the longest time, my “story” had been that I was not “good enough” to get in. Funny enough, not getting into my top school was the best thing that could have happened to me. In the long run, my “idea” of what was the better choice, actually was not.

When we “write,” our stories of how we see the world, we have to learn to disintegrate the parts of the story that do not really “fit” the larger plot, the actual reality. Sometimes events that happen do not turn out as we expect, but end up being exactly the right thing for us. Nevertheless, we may create a “story” that it means something negative about ourselves, or our situation. For example, how many of you have had the realization, years later, that what you thought was best for you, at the time, really was not? Hindsight truly can be 20/20, don’t you think? Is there anything that you would want to tell your younger self from 5, 10, even 20 years ago? Is there something that you didn’t know then, but do now?

I realized, quite some time ago, that one of my favorite past times was creative writing. Nevertheless, as you can see, for the last few weeks, I haven’t been on my blog as much as I would like. (Eek! Sorry!)

So, I meditated on “why” this was, and came to realize that once my pleasure, my past time, became something I “scheduled” that the inspiration to write, became sabotaged by it becoming an “accomplishment.” I had, mistakenly, set myself up not to write, because I had scheduled it, rather than just letting the inspiration to “show up.” Of course, by not focusing on it, the natural flow of being inspired then showed up in its due course, and without pressure.

That led me to consider that sometimes, we focus on what we “don’t want” or “do want” so much that we lose those “now moments” of inspiration that just call for our attention. Moments that ask for us to do something on spur of the moment, just because something within us needs it, and it would be a positive and nurturing experience.

It does lead me to ask, you, when have allowed yourself to be swept away by an inspiration, one that nurtures you? When have you just allowed yourself to do something positive for yourself, on a whim, without plan, and because it would bring you joy?

I recently figured out that I was peddling too fast, so intently that I was thrust forward at a break neck speed. A frantic pace ensued, that is, until I realized that I could just coast. I had focused on peddling so much and ignored that I really didn’t need to.

Ironically, I wasn’t really biking. I was just getting up in the morning, going at full speed as soon as my feet hit the floor. Racing.

In that moment, as we often do, I had forgotten that coasting along can be okay. It has its moments. Things can wait sometimes, and our soul needs some stillness, even if the ego begs to differ. Instead of driving my body at full speed, pushing it to the next activity, I could coast a little. My ego wanted things done as fast as possible, but it wasn’t in my best interest. I would have sacrificed my self-care that day, had I listened to it. Instead, the message from my higher self was to just “Sit down. Relax for a while. Allow.” I was being reminded to just be still.

Life often asks us to pedal faster, especially when we know that we don’t have the energy to. At what cost do we choose to ignore that we must have moments of stillness to refuel?

Do you allow yourself to coast a little and have moments of stillness?