I’m sitting in the woods as I write this article, camping on the Mogollon Rim. I am peaceful. For, as I sit around the campfire, listening to the voices of those around me, mine does not seek to be heard. It doesn’t need to and there is peace to be found in my meditative silence. But, I also know that if I wanted to, I could. I also know that my loved ones that surround me this evening would hear me. But, as this awareness comes to me, it also reminds me that for many, having a voice, or deeming whether it feels okay to speak or not, brings anxiety and trepidation. And, it is with this thought, that this article’s voice was heard.

Our voices, I find, are things that we often take for granted. While we may assume that it will always be there, or be readily available to make itself known, that is not always the case. In fact, the idea of having a voice, for many, creates greater anxiety then the idea of not using it. Often, a history of being unable to find, use, or express the voice, is commonplace, especially for the women and men I work with who have histories of trauma. And, maybe you are a little like them, perhaps your voice has been hidden from view, silenced, or unavailable when you needed it the most.

Of course, you already know the physicality of using your voice. You know that it is a way communicating to the world, a way of expressing yourself. Yet, we often forget that our voice is, literally, the vehicle for sharing our innermost selves, our intentions, our fears, our needs, our past, present, and future with the outside world. Furthermore, as we express ourselves to the outside world, we hear our words. Thus, we are given the opportunity to hear our innermost thoughts, which is often the most challenging, yet freeing result as they echo back to us through others’ reactions, responses, and their voices.

Yet, for many who are recovering from anxiety, depression, trauma, or addictions, inevitably, the voice struggles to be heard, or if it does present itself, it does so indirectly, surreptitiously, or through repetitious symptoms and patterns of behavior. Your voice may want to express itself, but not know how. It may be blocked. It may not know that it can. It may not know its true value. And when my clients reach the point, as they often do, that their voices want to be heard, we begin discussing what I call “finding your voice in three stages”

Stage One: Finding The “Right” To Speak

When we start to express “out loud” rather than “internalizing” or “stuffing” whatever needs to be said, we release what has restricted our voices. Nevertheless, not expressing what we want to say is the result and leads to thoughts about whether we have the right to use our voices in the first place. Regardless of what we want to say, even if we have the ability to use it, the expression of the voice requires, first of all, a belief that we have the right to speak our truths.

When we are in the first stage of finding the voice it sounds like “can I say “this” out loud? It is okay for me to “think this?” These two questions, or variations thereof, are my first clues that the voice is in the beginning stages of making itself known to my clients. Once we release the restrictions that have held the voice back, closed it off, or blocked it, the second stage involves shifting our energy towards expressing what wants to be said.

Stage Two: About Being Heard

As it may have been in the past, in the present we may or may not be heard. With this in mind, when we know that we have the right to speak, we shift into making a decision about whether we want to actually speak. And, while making this decision, it is imperative that we do so without an expectation of the outcome. If we make a decision to say our truths, and let them be expressed, we must be aware that those hearing it have free will in how they do or do not respond. Therefore, I make sure to educate clients regarding this aspect of using our voices otherwise, we risk expressing ourselves with the expectation or hope that we will achieve a specific result. The reality is that many who have not used their voices do so because they have not been heard in the past. As a result, their voices were restricted. To use our voices, to convey our truths is to do so because we desire the freedom that can come from communicating it, not because we are expecting a specific reaction from others.

Stage Three: Using The Voice

Whether or not we are comfortable saying what wants to be said, when we have discovered our “right to speak,” and considered whether we will be heard, the momentum inevitably shifts to the third stage of finding our voices, perhaps using it. And, because the voice may be stifled, blocked, or closed off, there may be a pattern of never using it. Therefore, we must learn how to use it, skillfully, consciously, and with intention. All the while, actively considering what serves our highest interest, and that of those who would hear it. Thus, we may choose to actually use it. We may even decide that expressing it to ourselves, is enough. Either way, we have done so consciously and while fully present.

When we explore our voices, the three stages, inevitably show up. While they may not appear in order, the reality is that each one is an important part of our healing process. For, as we determine our innermost truths, the choice about what to do with our discoveries asks us to hear ourselves, just as we might ask the same of others.

I found myself committing to the PF Changs 1/2 Marathon recently. I swear, I don’t know how it happened. All of a sudden, the words that “Yes, I’ll sign up” flew out of my mouth. My ego, immediately full of fear, grasped to reel the words back in. But, all of a sudden, I’m in it and focused on a goal I never through I would try. And, while doubt may show up about whether I can do it, I realize that our minds often question the goals we set, as if to defeat them, or question them.

I am convinced that half the time, we set and meet goals without a positive intention of WHY we created them in the first place. As a result, we can chose goals that really aren’t in our best interest or are based on what I call “DEFICIT THINKING” We pick goals that are based on making up for a perceived deficit within our lives or inner most selves. A deficit based goal sounds like “I have to workout because I don’t like how I look and feel.” Listen to how differently this sounds “I want to workout because I can see myself crossing the finish line.” One is deficit based, while one is positive and future focused. One is based on a perceived lack, while the other is based on self-acceptance.

Instead, when we focus our attention on an affirmative goal, our minds eye, literally, sees the goal being accomplished and gives us a felt sense of completing it, even before we even do. We can step into an image of what it would be like to reach our goals. We can see our lives through a lens of accomplishment, rather than in comparison to a mental image of what we don’t want. In other words, our emotional, physical, and spiritual bodies will respond more positively.

1. Identify what short and long term goals you have created

2. Are your goals specific and based on what you will be “doing,” “experiencing,” and “feeling” when you reach them?

3. Are any of your goals based on DEFICIT THINKING instead of AFFIRMATIVE THINKING i.e. are you focusing on what you don’t want, instead of what you do want?

4. Have you written down or shared your goals with anyone? Are there other people who you can share your goal with to get extra support?

5. Is your goal realistic?

6. Do you have the tools, right now, to help you reach your goal?

7. Do you need to set smaller goals and meet them, in order to get closer to your long-term goal?

7. Do you know why you have this goal in the first place? If not, write down the benefits of reaching it.